Only in My Dreams
by rosecoloredglaz21
Summary: Guys, this is my first story so take it easy but I accept all helpful tips constructive criticism. Enjoy! After Amanda is injured in the line of duty she and Olivia get to know each other more intimately. Will the two of them make it or will they burn out?
1. chapter 1

When I woke up the world around me was dark, heavy. I recognized the unforgettable scent that came with being in a hospital, and I could hear the machines around me, buzzing, whirring, chirping- showing signs of life. I began taking inventory my body. Wiggling my fingers and toes I decided that I wasn't paralyzed. I couldn't bend my leg but I could feel it, the pain was like a fire burning it's way through the muscles. I stopped there, unwilling to find anymore pain like the kind I found writhing it's way through my leg.

Slowly I opened my eyes, everything was blurry but I could make out parts of the room around me. To the right of the bed was a chair, in it was a person slumped forward, head on my bed, asleep. To the left was a window to the hallway outside of my room. I could see people, presumably nurses and doctors, walking by. I could see a water pitcher next to the bed. Water.

"Water." I husked out in a voice I didn't recognize. I wondered just how long my voice had been silent, how long had I been in this bed?

"Amanda?" a voice came from the was sleeping form next to my bed.

"Water."

Quickly she rose from the chair and filled a cup with water and brought the straw to my lips. I sucked greedily, relishing in the feeling of the cool liquid flowing over my dried tongue. "You scared the hell out of me, you know that? You scared all of us." That voice so filled with concern and worry was also laced with tears.

"Liv?" I asked, hoping it really was her. My vision was still blurred, so I couldn't clearly make out her face, and I badly wanted to see her eyes. Those eyes were always so knowing, so full of love and understanding. I needed to see those beautiful eyes.

"it's me honey, I'm here. I've been here the whole time. You've been here a week. Do you remember what happened?" she asked, covering my hand with hers, interlacing our fingers together.

"I remember we got a lead on Vasquez. You and I went to the address. The last thing I remember is seeing Elsie tied to the bars covering the window. Everything is a bit hazy after that." I said trying to remember what happened next.

"Well, we knocked down the door when we heard a scream from inside the apartment. When we got in, Vasquez took off and I gave chase. You went to Elsie and I went up the fire escape after Vasquez. Not a minute later I heard gunshots." She was struggling to hold it together so I squeezed her hand.

"Keep going Liv." I assured her.

"I, uh, I called over the radio for backup from the police covering the exits and went back to the apartment. I found you on top of Elsie, shielding her, and a perp we didn't know about was dead in the hallway."

"Elsie? Liv was she, is she okay?" I asked.

"She's fine, she suffered a graze wound from the shooting, but she's okay. You got the brunt of it; you were shot five times. Knee, hand, shoulder, and twice in the abdomen, but you'll make it." She finished with a smile. Suddenly I could see clearly. The sparkle in her eye, the shock of that smile, the way her hair fell around her shoulders. Like getting hit by a truck I remembered her looking at my much like the way she was now the day of the shooting.

"Did you mean it?" I asked squeezing her hand.

"Did I mean what?" confusion flashing across her face, get brow furrowing.

"What you said in the car before we went up to that apartment. You said you couldn't quit thinking about me. You wanted me to know in case anything happened, and we'll something happened. Did you mean it?"

She laughed. "Every word. Every single word." She brought my hand to her lips and lay a gentle kiss on my knuckles. "Seeing you like that, all bloody and hurt, it almost killed me. If you hadn't already killed that guy I would have in a second. I was scared of never get to hear your voice again, or see those blue eyes. I thought I lost you."

"Help me sit up."

"What? No you're hurt."

"Shut up, and help me Liv." I said with a chuckle. She pushed the button on the side of the bed to elevate the head of the bed.

"Why are you doing this?" she asked with a smirk, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"So I can do this." I touched her face and pulled her close to me. When our lips meet I melted. If been waiting so long to feel her against me. At first it was soft and gentle, then it became feverish and hungry, anything to get closer to one another. When we broke the kiss we started for what seemed like forever.

"Am I interrupting something ladies?" Fin asked from the doorway, trying hard not to laugh.

"Fin, hey."

"Hey baby girl. Glad to see you're awake. I would ask how you're getting, but I can see how you're feeling." He crossed the room and lay the flowers on the table next to the bed and leaned down to kiss my forehead. "These are from everyone at the squad."

"Thanks, and yeah I'm feeling okay I guess. I haven't been awake long, not too much pain really."

"Well, you've had a week to heal, most of your injuries were through and through, aside from your knee they're mostly flesh wounds." Fin said playing down my injuries like he always does when he's nervous. "But I gotta say, you're a trooper baby girl. Have you talked to the doc yet? They say when you can get out of here?"

"No, I haven't seen a doctor yet. I should probably do that, I don't think they even know I'm awake."

"I'll go get someone." Fin said leaving the room and leaving Olivia and my alone again. She replaced her hand over mine and smiled.

"I guess we got a little distracted and forgot to call the doctor, huh?" she said with a little laugh. " If you want I can go get you something to wear for when they let you out. Hopefully it's soon." She smiled and squeezed my hand.

"That sounds great actually, I'd love to have some pants on. Not to mention underwear." She leaned towards me and placed a chaste kiss on my lips. "Do you have my keys?"

"I'll get them from your things at the desk, and I'll have a nurse bring you your phone." She smiled as e left the room.

I ran my fingers through my hair, it desperately needed washed. I didn't want to think about how badly my body needed washed. I lay there listening to the sounds of the hospital around me. The squeak of shoes on linoleum, the clicking of keys on a computer.

"Ms. Rollins?" a man said from my doorway.

"That'd be me. You the doctor?"

"Yes ma'am, Dr. Rhodes. I hear you're feeling pretty good and want to get out of here." He smiled. "We've been monitoring your injuries since you've been here and you're healing nicely. Now you've only been lucid for a short while, so letting you out today, I'll have to be honest, gives me pause. You woke up briefly a few times in the last week but only long enough to ask more pain meds. The fact that you've been holding conversations and you're sitting up on your own is a great sign. Before you're released I'll order some scans to rule everything out, but I don't see any reason why you can't go home today." He said.

"Well I feel just fine, but I don't remember walking up before just a little while ago." I said trying to call back any memories of the few days.

"That's not unusual with the amount of pain medications you've been on and the trauma. You suffered quite extensive blood loss that required transfusions. The good news is there was no organ damage, which was surprising considering where you were shot in the abdomen. The bad news is you'll have a brace on your knee for at least eight weeks. The injury to your hand caused a fracture you'll be in a cast just as long. The damage in your shoulder was just muscular, so you'll just have to take it easy to avoid opening up the wound. You'll be on antibiotics to prevent infection, and we will work with you on pain management should you accept pain medication I'll also write you a prescription for those. Now, if you don't have any questions I'll get a nurse in here and get you ready to go. Do you have someone to drive you home or somewhere to stay for a few days while you get acclimated to your condition?" he smiled.

"Yes I have a friend coming back with some clothes for me, so I guess I'm all set." I said, letting out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. All that didn't sound bad.

"Alright, I'll send a nurse in to get you ready, and then someone will bring you your paperwork." He turned to leave but stopped. "Oh and your friend said you wanted your cell phone, so I brought it with me." He handed me my phone and left with a smile. While I waited for the nurse to come in and unhook me from the various machines I was attached to I powered on my phone and shot a text to Liv.

*Hey Liv, doc says I can leave today so hurry up with my clothes I need to get out of here!

-Amanda

*I'm on my way! Be there soon :)

-Liv

After the nurse got me ready I asked her to help me get into the shower.

"I'll be fine once I'm in there but I can bathe myself. I don't need someone wash my hair, I'm perfectly capable." I said becoming aggravated with the young woman.

"Maam I really think you should let me help you. If you fall whole you're in there you cou-"

"Listen I know you're just trying to do your job but I'm fine. I can do it myself." I said trying to give her my best ' I'm alright ' smile.

"Amanda are you giving the nurses a hard time?" Olivia said walking into the room with the clothes she went to get me.

"Liv, hey. I'm just trying to take a shower, she won't let me do it myself. Says I'll fall."

"I'll make sure she's okay, you can go, I'll take care of her." She told the nurse and say the clothes on the table.

"There is no way you're helping me take a shower." I said adamantly. I couldn't let her see my body like this, covered in bandages.

"No, I'll sit in the bathroom whole you shower."

"Liv there's no curtain." I whined.

"Oh you're going to be shy? You don't have anything I haven't seen before." She grinned.

"You haven't seen MINE before Olivia! And you're not gonna see 'em like this." I crossed my arms over my chest and pouted like a child. She laughed and shook her head.

"Fine, but I'm sitting in the bathroom whole you shower. I'll turn my back, but going to be in there. You haven't stood in a week, your legs are weak and if you want to shower I'm going in the bathroom with you." Finally I gave in and allowed her to help me. She stayed true to her word and kept her back to the shower while I was in there.

"So I was thinking, I don't think you should be by yourself when I take you home. I mean, you could even stay with me for a while if you want. Or I could stay at your apartment, you know to help you out while you heal." I could hear how nervous she was in the way get voice quivered when she spoke. It was cute, how she was worried.

"I'm I'll be okay on my own Liv." She let out a loud sigh. "But I think you're right, I should probably have someone around for a while, you know while I heal." I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a thin towel that left little to the imagination.

"So, your place or mine?" she asked, the hint of a smile playing in her voice.

"I'll have to pack a bag from my place, but we can stay at yours, if that's okay?" I asked as I painfully pulled my shirt over my head. "can you help me take this bag off my hand?" I sat back down on the shower chair, my leg extended. "And the wrap around my knee brace." I laughed. "This would've been allot easier with help."

"So next time you'll let me help you? You won't be so stubborn?" she laughed as she cut the plastic away from my knee. She then helped me into my sweat pants. "Alright, are you ready to get out of here?"


	2. Chapter 2

"Thank god your building has an elevator. I almost died going up the stairs to my apartment, I can't imagine doing that every day." I laughed as I lowered myself into her couch, sweat seeping through my shirt.

"Well it's my pleasure to have you here. You know I don't mind." She smiled. "Your bags are in the guest room, and the bed it set up. You can sleep in there or out here, or wherever. I just want you to be comfortable."

"Anywhere will be fine Liv. I really appreciate this."

"It's not a problem. So we can order in or I can cook something, if you're hungry. Or if you just want to lay down I can help you to bed." She was rambling, nervous. I on the other hand had a light buzz going with the pain pills I had taken an hour earlier, and felt no nerves.

"Liv, be quiet and sit down." I patted the seat next to me. "Relax." I grabbed her hand and brought it to my lips and kissed it, just as she had earlier that day in my hospital room. "I'm glad you brought me here. I keep thinking about my first day on the job here in New York. I had always admired your work when I was in Atlanta, but when I actually got here, and met you and worked with you. Liv, it took on a life of its own. I couldn't stop thinking about you either. At first I thought you hated me. It seemed like you dreaded working with me. But then somewhere something changed. You looked at me differently. You wanted to talk to me, to get to know me. I never imagined that in a million years I'd be here, with you, that I'd kiss you and you'd kiss me back. I always thought you'd push me away, or say it was inappropriate. But here we are, holding hands your couch." I smiled.

"I have to admit, when you first got here I didn't want you here." She looked ashamed, but she took a breath and continued. "You replaced Elliot, my old partner. He and I, we were… very close." I remembered hearing rumors about her and her partner when I first got to New York. "We never slept together, but we were just as close. He was married, not always happily, but he was devout." She laughed, like she was lost in a memory. I squeezed her hand to let her know I was still there and she smiled sadly at me. "I was so hurt by the way he left. He just, left. I didn't get a goodbye or an explanation or anything. The captain was the one who told me he had put his papers in, and I guess I just shut down. When you got here and then Nick, it was like he was being replaced and I didn't receive it well. So I guess I'm saying I'm sorry for the way I treated you when you first arrived."

"Liv, it's fine. I get it. I have no hard feelings for what happened. We are both different people than we were when I first got here." We sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. I tried to stifle a yawn to no avail.

"Come on, you're tired let me help you to the guest room." She stood and extended her hand to me, which I gladly took. Standing on my own was a chore. I grabbed my crutch and she put an arm around my waist and together we hobbled to the guest room. I lowered myself into the bed and lifted my legs up with me. She helped me take my shoes and jacket off and pulled the blankets up over my legs.

"Thank you Liv." I said, another yawn escaping.

She brushed the hair away from my face when I finally got comfortable, the blankets pulled up under my chin, and kissed my forehead. "Sleep well."

While Amanda was sleeping I decided to take a long shower. I felt like I hadn't showered in a week, in reality I hadn't relaxed in a week. I stepped into the steaming water enjoying the feeling of it releasing the tight muscles in my back. I felt as if I had a layer of hospital covering my skin from the week long stay at Amanda's bed side, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

I thought about running back into that apartment a week ago, finding her laying on top of a scared young girl, still. The blood was stuck in my mind. I had seen allot in my career, but nothing prepared me to see someone I cared about in such a state. My stomach tied itself in knots at just the memory of it.

As I stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel I thought I heard a noise coming from somewhere in the apartment. Standing still and quiet I waited for it to happen again. When it finally did it was unmistakable; Amanda was crying.

Worrying that she hurt herself getting out of bed I ran into the guest room. When I opened the door, the sight I found broke my heart.

She was sprawled on her back on the bed, the blankets were thrown to the floor and she was fighting. I quickly went to her side and sat on the edge of the bed. Afraid to scare her I gently laid my hand on her shoulder and shook lightly.

"Amanda? Honey, you're dreaming. Amanda wake up." Still she cried and fought someone in her dream. "Amanda! Wake up!" I shook her harder this time. When she opened her eyes she wasn't really looking at me, but almost through me, at something or someone who wasn't there. "It's me, Olivia. You're safe. Look at me sweetie." I reached to touch her face and she smacked my hand away. "Amanda! What-"

"No! Don't touch me, don't, please don't hurt me." She cried out cowering into the bed. It dawned on me she was experiencing a very vivid night terror. Of what I wasn't sure.

"Amanda, hey look at me honey. Look at me, it's Olivia." There was a flicker if recognition in her eyes and her demeanor shifted. "There you are." I smiled at her, but didn't make another move to touch her, afraid to scare her again.

"Olivia? I, I'm sorry Liv. I'm sorry." Fresh tears began to spill from her bloodshot eyes. This was the first time I had ever seen her so scared, so vulnerable. She was truly afraid.

"No, no it's okay. You're okay, you're safe. You're in my apartment, in my guest bedroom. You're safe." I suddenly realized I was wearing nothing but a towel and felt very inappropriate for the situation. "Will you be okay for a minute while I put some clothes on quickly? I don't want to make you any more uncomfortable than you already are."

"I'll be okay. I'll be okay." She said sheepishly, looking hard at me as if trying to reassure herself more than me.

"I'll be right back." Quickly I went to my room and pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a tee shirt. Taking just a moment to compose myself before going back in, I stopped just outside the door. Taking a deep breath a slowly walked back to the side of the bed. I noticed blood seeping through her shirt, worried she had busted her stitches I asked her if I could take a look. "Amanda, I need to make sure I don't have to take you back to the hospital. You have to let me check the stitches."

"I'm not going back to the hospital. I just got out." She said with a panicked look in her eye.

"I understand that, but if you have ripped them open you have to. Is it okay if I check?" reluctantly she nodded her head, giving me permission. "Okay, I'm going to lift your shirt a bit too get a better look alright?" she looked away and nodded stubbornly. I lifted the hem of she her shit just enough to get access to the two spots on her abdomen where she was shot. One bandage was soaked in blood, the other wasn't as bad, but was bleeding nonetheless. Carefully I removed the wise bandage first to expose the stitches. Luckily there were a week old and had healed some, but a few stitches were loose. "I'm going to get the first aid kit and clean this up so I can get a better look alright?" without waiting for a response I got up to find the first aid kit. When I found it I hurried back into the bedroom. "I'm going to clean you up now okay? It might sting a bit." Again she gave me a stubborn nod, and so I started. Gently I cleaned the blood away with an alcohol swab. She flinched at the contact. "I know, I'm sorry it hurts." I replaced the bandage with a fresh one, and went on to the next one. When I finished I got her a fresh shirt and checked her knee. Luckily it was stabilized by the brace which didn't have enough give to open the wound back up. "Alright, were finished. Do you want to try and get some rest, or order some food and talk for a while?"

"I think I want to go sit in the living room. I'm not all that hungry though, and I'm not sure I want to talk." She said, sounding almost ashamed.

"We don't need to talk, but you do need to eat, especially if you're going to take more pain medication in about an hour." I said smiling lightly, offering my hand to help her up.

We decided on Chinese, or I decided rather. The conversation was mostly one sided with Amanda giving an occasional *yeah* or *sure* or *I guess, throwing in a nod or two. With a sigh I went to the kitchen to order from the take out menu tacked to the refrigerator.

I returned to the living room and sat on the opposite side the couch as Amanda. I wanted to know what had happened earlier, what the violent nightmare was really about. I was having a hard time believing it was due to the shooting by the way she was afraid to be touched.

As if she could read my thoughts Amanda turned to me. "Liv there's something I gotta tell you." She paused and looked at her hands, pulling lose threads from the blanket draped over her legs. "It's about Atlanta, the full reason I left. It was the deputy chief, Patton."


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys, this one's a little shorter the the first couple. having a little trouble getting traction. Anyways hope you enjoy!**

"It's about Atlanta, the full reason I left. It was the deputy chief, Patton." Just saying his name left a bitter taste in my mouth, like bile rising in the back of my throat. I tried to blink back the tears that threatened to spill over, but they won. I scratched at the blanket over my legs, picking at the loose threads. I chanced a glance in Olivia's direction. Her eyes burned into me, but she patiently waited for me to say what I needed to say. "I haven't talked about this since everything happened. No one believed me then, so I dropped it before it went anywhere." She cautiously reached for my hand.

"You don't have to tell me what happened. But I'm here for you no matter what you want to tell me and I'll listen to every word, and I WILL believe you." I nodded and kind of shrugged as if to say, sure you will. "Amanda I've done this job a long time, people don't dream like that for their health. They do it for a reason, they have something going on inside of them." She said forcefully to show she was very serious. "You are here, with me, safe, and believed. You have no worries here." Her brow set in seriousness and her eyes intent on conveying trust.

"I know all of that, I promise, I do. But it's hard to trust it, you know? Anyone I've ever talked to about this has shut me down or ignored it or only listened to screw me over with the information." A few tears escaped. Olivia reached over and wiped them away from my face.

"I'm not them Amanda. I won't do that. And if you ask, nothing you say leaves me, I'm a vault." She smiled and squeezed my hand. I eyes her for a long moment before deciding to continue.

"It was a month before I left Atlanta." I took in a suffered breath. "He was my captain then, got a promotion right after it happened. It was like they were rewarding him for, for what happened." I said looking back down to the blanket. "I was working late, you know how I am, and I was the last of the detectives there. He called me into his office because he 'needed to run something by me'. So I went to his office and he shut the door behind me. He told me to have a seat on the sofa in his office, that this wasn't anything official, it was casual, and just between he and I." My stomach was turning, tied in knots, and my hands shook with the effort to keep myself together.

 _"Come on now darlin', don't be so nervous. I ain't gonna bite." He grinned and slid his hand up my thigh._

 _"Captain, I don't think-" I said, putting my hand over his to stop it from traveling any further._

 _"Now Manda, don't be that way. What's gonna happen is gonna happen, if you relax it'll be easier on you. Make it easy for yourself." His hand pushed past mine and he gripped my wrist, pinning it next to me and he pushed me further onto the sofa._

 _"No, stop!" I cried out, earning a hard slap across the face._

 _"Knock that hollerin' off! Don't make me hurt that pretty face!" he scolded, as if he were getting onto a child._

I jumped up off of the couch and pushed past Olivia, running to the bathroom and emptying my stomach. My body cried out with each step but I continued through the pain. Taking about what happened in Atlanta wasn't something I wanted to do, but I wanted to trust Olivia. She had already seen what it had done to me, it only seemed right that she knew what happened.

"Amanda?" I heard her call softly as she knocked on the door lightly. "Are you alright?" I didn't answer, hard sobs racking my body. "I'm going to open the door, okay?" after a moment the door slowly opened and she walked in behind me. I heard a drawer opening and things being shuffled. "I'm going to put your hair up." Her fingers ran through my hair, gathering it up and tying it with a hair tie. I heard the water turn on and then felt a cool rag being placed on the back of my neck. She stood behind me for a while, hesitating, not sure what she should or could do.

"Liv, you can touch me, I'm not afraid of you, it's okay." I said quietly, laying my head on my arms. I could hear her lower herself to the ground behind me, and slid her arms around my waist. The feeling of her pressed against me wasn't sexualized. It was comforting, protective. She was there for me, and she didn't expect anything in return. If I wasn't sitting on a bathroom floor with my head on a toilet seat I would be exactly where I wanted to be.


	4. Chapter 4

I helped Amanda back to the living room to the couch and tucked a blanket around her legs. She smiled at me with that smile that could knock the wind out of my lungs, no matter how big or small it was. She was beautiful, her eyes the color of icy blue water, her hair like golden rays of sun.

I settled down next to her on the couch, wanting badly to reach out and pull her close to me but thinking better of it out of fear that I might hurt her. I couldn't help but wonder about her change in demeanor. Perhaps she was in a good place in the recovery from her assault, and talking about it was just difficult. But I also couldn't help but wonder if she was placating me with false calmness.

The food arrived shortly after we settled in comfortably. "Don't worry Manda, I'll get it. Don't strain yourself." I said jokingly standing from the couch to answer the door and she feigned offense with a dramatic hand to her chest, finishing it off with that thousand watt smile.

"You are mean Olivia Benson, absolutely rude." She chuckled.

After paying the delivery man I deposited the food the coffee table and made my way to the kitchen to get two dishes and two bottled waters for Amanda and I. I plated the food and found a re-run of 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?' on TV and settled back into my spot next to Amanda on the couch.

"Thanks for the food Liv, I'll buy next time. I would've now but I don't really know where any of my things are." She said pushing the food around the plate. Not entirely enthusiastic about actually eating.

"Don't worry about it, it's my pleasure." I smiled. "You really do need to eat though, so you can take your medication without messing with your stomach."

"I know, I know." She said, giving me a dismissive wave of the hand. "I'll eat." She took a bite of orange chicken to prove her point.

"Good girl." She rolled her eyes at me and we continued quietly eating, half paying attention to the television. I occasionally snuck sideways glances at her, and she did the same. We sat like that for a while before she announced she was finished, only having finished a small portion of her meal, and asking for her pain pills. I sighed and went to get her prescription and came back with two pills. She gladly took them from me, washing them down with the water I had given her earlier.

"How are you feeling now that you've eaten?" I asked, hoping Amanda would give me an honest answer.

"I feel like I got shot five times. But other than that, I'm feeling pretty good. Why do you ask Liv?" she asked curiously. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Oh I'm just a bit worried about you sweetie. I know you're in more pain than you're letting on. And I wish you wouldn't do that. If you're in pain let me help you." I responded.

"Letting me stay here all weekend IS you helping me Liv." She smiled, squeezing my hand.

"Well, you know, you don't have to leave right away. I'd be more than happy to have you here for as long as you need." I said, trying to reassure her without pressuring her too much.

"How about we play the whole thing by ear? I mean I'm really grateful for you helping me out but this whole thing," she gestured between the two of us, "is still really new, you know? And I'm worried I'll wear out my welcome."

"Oh Amanda." I smiled at the thought that I would actually get tired of her being around. "That will never happen okay? You don't have to worry about that. But I understand where you're coming from, hell maybe you'll get sick of ME."

"Doubtful. You're wonderful Liv. I don't think anyone could get sick of you." There was that smile again, it sent a chill down my spine.

"Tell that to my past relationships." I scoffed.

"Well, it's their loss. They're crazy to have left you or let you go." She said quietly, not quite looking at me. "I mean, something had to be wrong with them, not you Liv. There is nothing wrong with you. You're perfect." Still she focused on her hands in her lap. After a long moment of silence I reached forward and cupped her face in my hands and turned her towards me to find that the tears forming my eyes were reflected in hers.

"Amanda, that was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said about me. I don't know what to say." Slowly I inched closer to her and saw her eyes drift down to my lips, that was all the invitation that I needed. Suddenly our lips were pressed together. Moving slowly in tandem, soft and loving. But then something changed, the kiss grew more heated and hungry and before I knew it, it was all I could do not to pull her on top of me. I pulled away and looked into her eyes, still glistening with unshed tears.

"That was, um, wow." She said with a slight smirk spreading across her face.

"Very wow. But I think we should stop." Her face fell and she looked away. "No, not because I want to honey. Believe me I'd like to never stop kissing you. But I'm afraid I'll hurt you, you know, you were shot. Several times."

"Oh yeah." She laughed. "I guess I sort of forgot about all that for a second. Maybe we should go to bed before it goes any further?" she asked.

"Of course. I'll help you get settled into the bed and come back out here and set up the couch for me to sleep."

"Actually Liv, could you sleep in there with me? I think I'd feel better if you were in there with me." She said looking up at me with hope filled eyes.

"I couldn't think of anything I'd rather do." Together we walked to the bedroom, my arm around her waist to help her hobble on one leg.

Once she was settled in and I changed my clothes I crawled into the bed next her. The room was silent, not uncomfortable, but silent.

"Liv?"

"Amanda?"

"I want you to hold me, but I'm scared it'll hurt."

I propped myself up on my elbow to get a look at the woman next to me. She turned her head and looked back. I leaned in slowly and pressed a single soft kiss to her perfect lips. "How about I hold your hand?"

She smiled that smile. "That would be perfect."

I fell asleep listening to her even breathing and wondering what tomorrow would hold. I held her hand as I drifted off, imaging a day when I could hold her freely without causing her pain.

I woke up to the sun shining through bedroom curtains. I turned to the woman nestled next to me in the bed and the memories of the night before came flooding back, threatening to bring tears to my eyes. She was beautiful, absolutely stunning. The sun shone down on her enhancing the golden highlights in her dark hair, casting a glow on her olive skin. She was still fast asleep, mouth slightly open with soft snores being the only sound in the room. At some point in the night our hands broke apart, but she was still very close to me. I reached with my hand and brushed a few stray strands of dark hair away from her face causing her to lightly stir awake.

"Mmmm, good morning." She yawned with a slow stretch.

"Good morning beautiful. How'd you sleep?" I ran my fingers through her sleep mussed hair.

"Pretty good, better than I have in a long time. How about you? Did you get enough rest?"

"Oh yes. I slept great, I am feeling some pain though." She opened her eyes and looked at me with concern. "It's not that bad Liv, really. Mostly I feel kind of sore. But I'm actually really hungry."

"What do you want for breakfast? I can cook whatever you want." She rolled into her back to stretch more fully and I saw a chance to be closer to her. I scooted into her side and rested my good leg over her waist and put my head on her chest with my face nestled into her neck.

"Actually, if you're up to it, I'd like to go somewhere. You know leave the apartment. I mean, I haven't been anywhere but a hospital and cooped up in an apartment for over a week. I need fresh air." I placed a soft kiss beneath her ear and felt a shudder run through her body and I smiled to myself.

"Well, I guess if you feel well enough to go out then I can't really say no can I? You do realize you'll have to use your crutches right?" she ran her hand down my back and rested it where my shirt had ridden up in my sleep. She traced lazy circles on the bare skin there and it was my turn to shudder.

"Yes I know that. You can't very well carry me now can you?"

"No dear, I don't think I can." She pulled back and looked at me with a smile spread across her face. "But I can help you wash your hair. You've got a serious mess going on up there." She laughed as her hand traveled to my head, patting the wild locks.

"Oh shut up Liv. There you go being rude again. Must you pick on me?" I asked, feigning hurt and pouting slightly.

"Honey if I didn't pick on you something would be terribly wrong. It means I care." She leaned down and kissed me softly. "There, is that better?"

"Mmm. Much better, thank you. So you'll help me wash my hair huh? How might you do that?"

"Let's get up and I'll show you." She smiled. Helping me out of bed she took me to the kitchen and gestured to the sink.

"You're going to wash it in the kitchen sink?" I asked with an amused laugh.

"Actually, yes. Do you have a better idea?" She rested her hands on her hips and looked at me pointedly.

"No I guess I don't." I shrugged.

"I thought as much, let me go get the shampoo, conditioner and a towel. Stay here, I don't want you falling down somewhere." She pulled up a stool behind me and motioned for me to sit.

She walked back into the kitchen just a moment later carrying all the essentials for washing my hair. "Alright, do you think you can lean over the front of the sink long enough for us to do this?"

"I think I can manage that." I said with a smile. She cautiously helped me to the sink with her arms wrapped tightly around my waist.

"Alright how's this temperature?" she asked after turning the water on and checking it herself.

"That feels fine to me, do your thing." I rested my elbows on the edge of the sink and hung my head over the basin. She used the detachable sprayer to wet my hair. The feeling of her hand running through my hair, the water running over my scalp was amazing. She began massaging the shampoo into my scalp with such care, it brought tears to my eyes, I had never felt anything like it.

It didn't last as long as I hoped and pretty soon she was wrapping my hair in a towel. I stood up and looked at her with tears welling up in my eyes and smiled.

"Amanda, what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" I shook my head no. "Sweetie, why are you crying?" Her hands were on my shoulders, rubbing softly up and down.

"No one has ever done that for me before. Thank you." She looked at me for a long moment before wrapping her arms around me and kissing my temple.

"Amanda, I care about you very much. I will do this for you every day until I can't even wash my own hair, if you want me to. Anything you need I will do. Anything. And even if I wasn't as crazy about you as I am, I would still do it. You deserve to have someone show you how wonderful you are, how incredible you are. If someone passed up the opportunity to take care of you it's their loss, because let me tell you something sweetheart, I wouldn't rather be doing anything else. Now come on into the living room and sit down and rest your leg." I pulled back and looked at her again. There were tears in her eyes as well. No one has ever looked at me the way she was right now. There was no pity. No expectations. Only love and adoration. I nodded and let her help me to the couch and pulled her down to sit with me.

"I want to kiss you." I said quietly, brushing my fingers across a pronounced cheek bone.

"Then kiss me."

Without any further invitation I leaned in and pressed my lips to hers. It was soft and gentle at first, but much like the night before, in the same spot, it became much more. Her hands gently roamed my sides and mine were in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer. She gently pushed me back into the couch and leaned over me. With her knee between my legs, she was careful of my injured knee and the injuries to my abdomen while still getting as much contact as possible. I slid my hands down her sides and found my way under her shirt. I needed to feel her skin against mine. I felt a shudder run through her body as my hands passed over her ribs. Gently I ran my fingernails over her skin, causing another shudder. She kissed her way down to my neck and it was my turn to shudder. Her breath hot on my neck, her teeth nipping lightly at the tender skin there. I moaned quietly as I wrapped my one good leg around her waist and pulled her as close as I could get her, leaving no space between our bodies. I moaned again when her knee pressed between my legs. Suddenly she stopped moving.

"Amanda, we should stop." Her face still buried in my neck.

"Liv, please." I begged.

"I don't want to hurt you." She said placing soft kisses along my collar bone.

"You're not hurting me I promise. Please Liv I need to feel you." She looked up at me, her eyes so dark they were almost black, as if asking one more time. "Please Liv."

She stood up and for a second I thought she was going to walk away from me but instead she slid her arms underneath my body and lifted me off the couch. I realized she was taking me to the bedroom.

"I thought you said you couldn't carry me." I said jokingly.

"I'd rather carry you than have to wait for you to hobble into the bedroom on one leg. My way is much faster." Had I not been so turned on I might've laughed. I couldn't disagree with her point, it would've taken much longer if I had walked. I wrapped my arms around her neck and nuzzled into it.

She lay me down in the center of the bed and knelt just next to me, just looking at me. She took my hands and pulled me into a sitting position. Her hands found the hem of my shirt and slowly lifted it. I put my arms up and she slid the shirt up over my head and tossed it to the floor next to the bed. She didn't say a word but I could hear her breath hitch when she saw my bare chest.

"Liv?" still she didn't say anything, just looked at me with such longing it felt almost as if she was actually touching me. Not being able to wait any longer, I took her hand and placed it on my bare stomach. She slowly slid her hand over the exposed skin of my stomach and up between my breasts, stopping when she got to my throat. Sliding her hand around to the back of my neck she pulled me into a searing kiss. She pushed me back on the bed, in the same position as we were in on the couch. She pressed herself firmly between my legs, causing a low moan to escape my throat. I needed more skin to skin contact though. I put my hands on her shoulders and lightly pushed. She looked at me, thoroughly confused.

"Did you change your mind?" she panted through labored breaths.

"Absolutely not." I gripped the hem of her shirt and pulled it up as far as I could get it. "Get rid of this."

She smiled and complied. It was my turn to stare. She was perfect. Her skin was such a perfect shade, it was tan but not overly so. When my eyes traveled further up I noticed the scars mottled across her upper chest. When it registered to her where I was looking, horror flickered her eyes and she tried to cover the scars. I had never known her to be bashful, but I was sure no one had seen these scars. They were from Lewis. I reached for her hands, now covering the scars, and pulled them away. I brought her fingertips to my lips and pressed light kisses to each finger before putting them back on her chest.

"You're beautiful Liv. Absolutely gorgeous." I breathed. "Don't feel like you have to hide anything from me." My fingers danced across the scars and she took in a sharp breath. "These being here mean you're incredibly strong. What you've been through, Liv, do you realize how amazingly strong that makes you? God, I can't imagine coming out of something like that and being as kind and compassionate you are. You are unbelievably-"

She cut me off with a forceful kiss. It was full of passion, and pain. I could feel every emotion pouring out of her with each movement of her lips and body.

The sex wasn't hurried, or rushed. It was deeply passionate, full of understanding it wasn't a quickie and they weren't fucking. It was two people in love, taking their time showing it. When they finished, they lay tangled each other's arms, the afternoon sunlight shining into the room. After a while Amanda finally broke the silence.

"Liv?"

"Amanda?"

"I'm even more hungry than I was before."

Olivia laughed loudly. "Well. Let's go get some breakfast." She glanced at the clock. "Actually it's lunchtime."


	5. Chapter 5

**I know it's been a long time since I've updated this one and I'm so very sorry. I'm back and trying to get to work on all the fics that I've left unfinished. As always i hope you enjoy this. Please leave a review and let me know how you like it!**

Two and a half months had passed since the shooting and Amanda was set to return to work, on desk duty, in three days. She was nervous as expected, but also very ready to get back to work. Her relationship with Olivia had moved fast by normal standards, but the two women couldn't be more happy about finally being together. During her recovery, she spent the majority of her time at Olivia's apartment, only going home to get more clothes and to check on the apartment itself. The rest of their team was still in the dark about their relationship, although they had their suspicions about the amount of time the women were suddenly spending together, but had chosen to keep their thoughts to themselves instead.

In celebration, the group had decided to meet for drinks the Saturday before Amanda went back to work that Monday. Everyone was excited, it had been months since the team has gotten together outside of work to have fun together as a group, but Olivia would be lying if she said she wasn't at least a little bit nervous. She was their Lieutenant, and technically it was wrong for her to engage in a relationship like the one with Amanda, if the other person was her subordinate. She was willing to do what she needed to do to do to make sure that every thing would work out, but in reality she knew that probably wouldn't be the case. However, she knew her team wouldn't think anything of the situation and if asked would keep it under wraps.

Amanda had noticed how quiet Olivia had been since they began getting ready that night and started to become slightly concerned. She was overly excited about the thought of spending the night with her teammates and girlfriend. Olivia on the other hand was somewhat hesitant on agreeing to the outing. It wasn't until she saw how excited Amanda was at the opportunity that she had agreed.

"You alright Liv?" Amanda asked as she stepped into her knee length black dress.

"I'm great." She replied in a voice lacking any excitement. "Are you excited about tonight?"

"You know I am. I feel like I haven't seen anyone in forever. Or at least really had fun like we all used to." She turned to look at Olivia who had her back to her. She wasn't dressed yet and was still applying makeup. "Will you zip my dress?" she turned her back once again to Olivia and pulled her hair to the side, out of the way.

"I love this dress on you." Olivia said and her fingers danced across the exposed skin of Amanda's back, drawing lazy circles there. "You know, we could just stay home tonight, do something else that's fun."

"Liv." Amanda turned to face her girlfriend knowing exactly what she was doing. "As much as I would love to take you up on that, you know we can't just back out an hour before we're supposed to meet the guys, and besides, I'm actually really excited about tonight. I know you're having mixed feelings, and I'm not exactly sure why, but I think you will have just as much fun if you just let yourself."

"I know, you're right. I guess I'm just nervous." Olivia threw her hands up with a sigh.

"Why on earth would you be nervous about hanging out with Fin and Carisi?" Amanda asked, entirely confused.

"This will be the first time they see us together, as a couple. I'm just not ready for the conversation that will happen when they realize what's going on." Olivia said with a huff, sitting down on the bed and running her hands through her hair.

"Liv they won't care and you know it. They may ask a few questions about when it happened. And besides, I'm pretty sure Fin knows. If you remember right he caught us kissing in the hospital." Amanda smirked remembering the flush spreading across Olivia's face when Fin had walked into her hospital room that day.

"I completely forgot about that." Olivia said, returning Amanda smile. "But there is still Carisi to deal with."

"He's not as dumb as he looks Liv. He is a pretty good detective, you know." She laughed, gesturing to her zipper once more.

"You do look great in this dress by the way. I'm lucky to be with you. Incredibly lucky." Olivia said turning Amanda around by her hips, once the zipper to her dress was secured, to face her. "I love you, you know?" she said quietly, almost as if she was afraid to say the words. They had yet said they loved each other yet.

Amanda just smiled. She wrapped her arms around Olivia's neck and leaned in for a passionate but gentle kiss. "I love you too, you know? I don't remember a time when I didn't." She kissed her once more before pulling away. "You better get dressed Lieutenant, we are leaving soon." With that she left the room to gather everything she needed for that evenings outing. She hoped Olivia would come around and have fun, and not worry so much about people finding out about them. If they found out then they found out. That's how Amanda saw it. She had nothing to be ashamed of. She was with a beautiful woman who cared deeply for her, who loved her. Amanda had never had that in her life. Every person she had dated had turned out to be a cheater or a liar or were just after one thing. Olivia was different, she looked at her like she was so in love that it hurt. The way she touched her was so kind and gentle but passionate at the same time. There was so much love between the two Amanda almost couldn't believe it. Some days she was afraid she would wake up from a dream and be thrown back into reality.

"You ready?" Olivia said as she walked into the living room adjusting her earrings.

"Wow. Liv, you look great." Olivia wore tight black jeans and a purple top with the shoulders cut out. Amanda wrapped her arms around her waist and placed a kiss on Olivia's lips. "Beautiful."

"Mand, we gotta go or we're gonna be late." Olivia whined.

"Then let's go. Do you have everything?"

"Yes, mom." Olivia sarcastically replied. Earning her a slap on the arm.

"Watch it Benson." Amanda teased.

They took a cab to the bar they had all decided to go to. It wasn't all that far from Olivia's apartment but it was far enough that the women didn't want to walk. When they arrived they saw that the two other members of the team were already at a table with an almost empty pitcher of beer in front of them.

"Guys!" Amanda shouted over the noise, just loud enough to get their attention. Both men looked up and smiled, and waved the two women over.

"Damn, you're both lookin fine tonight ladies!" Fin slurred, obviously already drunk.

"Yeah I mean you both look hot." Carisi agreed with a bit of a red flush of embarrassment on his cheeks.

"Thanks guys, we try." Amanda said with a grin on her face. So happy to see her colleagues outside of work again.

"Don't listen to her, I may have to try but she rolls out of bed that way." Olivia said and the table went quiet. Amanda gave her a sideways glace as if to say 'Liv what the hell are you doing?' but kept quiet. She was confused. She thought that Olivia was scared of the guys knowing they were together. Now however, she seemed to be doing a total turnaround.

"I bet you're right Liv. You're lucky enough to know if that's true or not." Fin said with a teasing smile on his face. "But for real, congrats guys. I'm happy for you." He raised his glass up and Carisi followed suit.

"Congratulations you two. We're both very happy for you guys." He said, raising his glass as well.

"Thank you guys. We appreciate it." Olivia smiled, snaking her arm around Amanda's waist. "Obviously we want to keep this quiet for a while."

"Of course Lieu, no problem." Carisi said. "Alright let's get this night started, I'll go get you ladies some drinks and we can catch up."

"Thanks Carisi." Both women said as they say at the booth next to each other.

"Bout damn time. I thought I'd have to keep watching you guys make eyes at each other when Amanda came back to work." He laughed at the looks on the two women's faces.

"Well Fin, we still will make eyes at each other I'm sure, especially now that I know it bothers you." Amanda winked at him and laughed.

"Whatever, I'm just glad you're happy." Fin waved her off teasingly and then got serious. "So, Amanda, how you feelin? You still got any pain? That limp isn't nearly as bad as I expected it to be."

"I'm actually doing really well. The doctor says it shouldn't take more than a couple weeks before I could qualify for full duty." She said excitedly.

"What about your shrink? What do they think about you going back to work?" at the mention of her shrink Amanda cringed. She had only recently started her mandated therapy and she hated every minute of it. It didn't seem right to her to have to pay someone to listen to her problems.

"It's going okay I guess. I hate it obviously, but it's alright." She said, focusing on a water spot on the table in front of her.

"Yeah but is your shrink on board with you going back to full duty?" Fin asked again.

"We haven't really discussed that." Amanda traced the spot in front of her with her fingers. She didn't want to talk about therapy. Allot had come out in that room that she wasn't comfortable sharing with everyone. She suddenly felt very exposed.

"Well Amanda you should probably talk about that very soon. I think it's important." Olivia said, laying a hand on her shoulder with a light squeeze. She couldn't get Amanda to say a word about therapy at home.

"Can we stop talking about my therapy please? Aren't we here to have fun?" At that moment, Carisi rejoined the group with the drinks he had bought which included a full pitcher of beer and shots for everyone. "Perfect timing." Amanda said quietly enough that only Olivia could hear her.

Everyone seemed to be having a good time, laughing as a group. Amanda however, was going overboard. She had drank at least twice as much as anyone else in the group and was becoming sloppy. Olivia was worried she was going to get out of hand so she asked to speak with her for a moment outside, thinking maybe the cool night air would help.

"You doing okay? You're drinking quite a bit there honey, maybe you should slow down a little." She said, placing a hand on her shoulder, steadying the wobbling blonde on her feet.

"I'm fine Liv, just letting loose. You could learn somethin' from me you know, have some fun." She slurred, pushing Olivia's hands away from her stubbornly.

"Amanda." Olivia sighed, putting her hands on her hips and turning away from the blonde in hopes she could find the words she was looking for. She loved her so much it was almost as if she could feel nothing else. "You have to tell me what's going on Amanda. Fin asked about therapy and your whole mood changed. Are you okay?" she finally turned around to face the woman she couldn't live without, and felt tears forming in her eyes. She wasn't sure if it was the alcohol making her emotional or the fact that Amanda was clearly going through something.

"I really don't want to talk about therapy okay? So if you could drop it, that would great. It's not like you'd want to hear about it anyways so drop the act Liv, and just say what you're really thinking." She shot back catching Olivia completely off guard.

"What in the hell are you talking about Amanda? What I'm thinking is that you are going through something and I'm really worried about you. You're sloppy drunk and now you're yelling at me for absolutely no reason. Why don't you drop the act and say what you're thinking, huh? I don't even know what to say to you right now!" Olivia yelled, throwing her hands up in exasperation. "What do you want me to say? Please just give me some kind of clue here as to what it is you want to hear, because honestly, I have no fucking clue." She put her hands on her hips and looked Amanda in the eyes. She looked distant, like she was somewhere else instead of standing in the alley of the bar she was at.

"Liv, I'm scared okay. I'm scared because a lot of stuff has been brought up in therapy and it's stuff I'd rather not talk about." She hugged herself and looked down, ashamed. She knew she was acting like a jerk.

"Patton stuff?" Olivia asked quietly, wrapping her arms around Amanda and pulling her close. She felt Amanda nod her answer.

"And other stuff." She whispered.


End file.
